Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
