I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
