I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
