He passed out mid-signature
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
