There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
