I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
