Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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