Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
