The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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