New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
