I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
