my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
