I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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