The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
