I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
