i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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