Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
