We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
