So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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