How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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