Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
