if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
