And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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