The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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