I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
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