The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
