It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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