I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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