go do what you do best...puke behind churches
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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