Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
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It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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