dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
