god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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