pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting married
To pizza
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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