When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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