the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Screwed.edu
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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