There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
