I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
