I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
birth control should be required to get into college
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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