Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
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