she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
