Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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