what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
