just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
