his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
