my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
