Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
