i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
