I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
