i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
