Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I checked into jail on foursquare
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
