cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
