The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
