Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
