On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
