taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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