Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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