thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
