i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
