I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
