there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
