you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
